closing statements

i've decided to close the progressive horizon. the things i wrote didn't feel like me. they didn't feel real. they were thinly veiled cliches and rather drab,...mostly because the blog was linked to me and i didn't want it to be seen by adcoms.

i can't write like this anymore. i would put the link too my new blog, but that would be defeating the purpose, wouldn't it.

goodbye ya'll.

a progression of pens

it's a shame i have horrible handwriting, because along with whiteboards, i enjoy a fine pen. and by fine pens, i of course mean a pilot precise v2 or a gel g2. the hallowed mont blancs and duponts are fairly outside of the amount of money i am willing to spend; i mean, they're not even called pens! they're called writing instruments. yeah, i don't write--i orchestrate essays. ha.

earlier in my 19 years of life, i used ballpoint pens, namely bic. they were/are normal ballpoints with normal ink, the kind of ink that leaves a rather dull, matte black, because black is the only real pen color. go away blue. i hated writing with these. plus the pens were just ugly. hence, i switched to ticonderoga, the gold standard for pencils.

in middle school i discovered the g2 and the precise v2, both respectable pens. around this time, gel pens were the 'cool thing' and they came in a variety of gaudy colors with sparkly ink. i of course went with the blacks, because, again, black is the only real pen color.

today, i went to staples to pick up a computer mouse for my dad. i made a pit stop, like i normally do, at the writing aisle and came across the pilot varsity fountain pen. it came in a pack of three of black, blue, and purple, of which i promptly discarded the unnecessary colors. the varsity is a disposable fountain pen, which is nice because you don't have to buy ink and you don't have to go through the trouble of refilling the pen or buying new nibs.

it writes rather scratchily but it's a pleasant noise. the only analogy i can really think up of right now is that it gives the same rustic charm as the click clack of a typewriter.

eh. ok. fine. well, at least they took off the analogies portion of the sat when i took it.

here's a link to it on amazon. it's only 69 cents so if you're close to getting the super free shipping or whatever it's called, then just add this to your cart and you're good to go.

how to get more website traffic

write an article about getting more website traffic.

cha'ching!

invisalign sucks

i got my braces off yesterday. before getting them off, i was super stoked: no more dental appliances. of course, right after i got my braces off, i took impressions for invisalign retainers. which suck, because i got them for both top and bottom teeth--meaning i can't quite close my mouth all the way--there is a fair gap between the top teeth and bottom teeth because of the invisalign.

and usually, i trashtalk and generally intimidate lots of people on halo. but after getting these, some guy on it said, "you sound like a geek."

thank you. jerk.

what kind of specialty should i go into?

ever since reading ben carson's gifted hands, i've always wanted to be a neurosurgeon. now, i'm not so sure--i'm not sure if it justifies all the time spent at work and little time at home. if you want a way to sort of, kind of figure out what medical specialties might be good for you, take this quiz here.

you answer a hundred something questions and it spits out a list of medical specialties you might be fit in with. here's my score.

Rank Specialty Score
1 thoracic surgery 43
2 pathology 43
3 urology 42
4 radiology 41
5 neurosurgery 41
6 emergency med 41
7 cardiology 40
8 neurology 40
9 pulmonology 40
10 gastroenterology 40
11 aerospace med 40
12 preventive med 40
13 occupational med 38
14 allergy & immunology 38
15 general internal med 37
16 dermatology 37
17 endocrinology 37
18 infectious disease 37
19 plastic surgery 37
20 psychiatry 37
21 physical med & rehabilitation 36
22 nuclear med 36
23 ophthalmology 36
24 otolaryngology 35
25 orthopaedic surgery 35
26 nephrology 35
27 rheumatology 34
28 pediatrics 34
29 family practice 32
30 anesthesiology 32
31 colon & rectal surgery 31
32 general surgery 31
33 obstetrics/gynecology 30
34 radiation oncology 30
35 hematology 28
36 med oncology 24

books that every pre-med student should read

once upon a time, i used to read novels. now i read these. not because i have to, but because they're actually quite interesting. and, dare i say it? fun. if you're pre-med, i hope you get a good idea of what medicine is truly about through these books. and the great thing is, none of the books above are over $11! thank you amazon.

1. becoming a doctor by melvin konner, md -- this follows melvin on his journey through the 4 years of med school beginning w/ the first 2 years of crunch memorizing and then 2 years of clinical rotations. it's extremely informative about medical school and is an absolute must read.

2/3. complications/better by atul gawande -- these 2 books, complications, and its sequel, better, are a compilation of stories and thoughts from dr. gawande. the books go between sharing stories of patients and commenting on different aspects of medicine and the practice of medicine. good books if you want to see a bigger picture of the practice of medicine in general.

4. hot lights, cold steel by michael collins -- following collins as we went through residency at mayo clinic as an orthopedic surgeon. if you're considering orthopedic surgery, this book overviews what you're in for. however, its a personal memoir, of sorts, of his journey through residency. collins has a natural knack for conveying stories and they are chalk full of humor and contemplation. really casts personality and wit into every sentence. it was an extremely fun read.

5. gifted hands by ben carson -- one of the more famous books about neurosurgery. carson shares his story about growing up and becoming the youngest pediatric neurosurgeon on the hopkins team. it's truly an inspiring story-- i personally grew up reading this book over and over. my copy is completely frayed and i'm sure yours will be also.

6. the surgeons by charles r. morris -- the first book i've listed here that's not written by a doctor. rather, it's written by morris, who followed a team of heart surgeons around for a while and decided to write a book on it. it deals with the more business and bureaucracy of medicine as well as discussing the different techniques and practices of heart surgery and the evolution of heart surgery as a whole. it's definitely academic driven but still an en-captivating read. future cardio-thoracic surgeons, i recommend this.

7. when the air hits your brain by frank vertosick - a moving and somewhat humorous account of neurosurgery residency. i say humorous not quite in the subject matter, but in vertosick's way of telling his story. really, there's not much to say other than read it.

8. how doctors think by jerome groopman - this books centers around doctors themselves rather than their patients. it's a book fitting for both the physician-hopeful as well as the normal layperson. it gives you a good idea of the practice of medicine in general as well as giving some chilling facts and stories.

i love whiteboards

for some reason, i love whiteboards. ever since i saw i saw this kind of whiteboard in house, i kind of freaked out and fell in love. that isn't to say i didn't like them before that. there's just something so compelling about going up to a whiteboard and scribbling down this and that. well, actually, during math classes in high school, it was horrible because you would do the problem in front of the whole class and then you would step back and realize how atrocious your handwriting was in comparison to your classmates'. well, i suppose that's just me.

the area in front of a whiteboard is one of both quiet contemplation and frenzied activity. and seriously, how academic, how intriguing is someone who paces back and forth in front of a whiteboard, trying to solve the next problem? for sure, i'm romanticizing this way too much, but, eh, whateva.

for a college student, like me, having a whiteboard is an easy way to write down messages to your roommate, do practice problems, draw out biology diagrams that should be memorized, doodle, and just serve as a place to write down ideas and notes. it's an efficent, low tech answer to microsoft entourage and ical and all those other calender, todo applications.

___

well, if you took a gander at the link above, it is a clear whiteboard--basically a piece of glass on a stand. it's just so, what's the word, beautiful. and yes, whiteboards can be beautiful. so don't hate. but why are whiteboards so expensive!? especially for the nice ones! here's some that are close to 3K! and i don't have that kind of cash to spend, being a starving student and all.

so here, here, and here are some different ways to have a luxuriously large whiteboard for relatively cheap. check them out.

why universal healthcare is not a good idea, for dummies- a general overview

the concept of universal healthcare is great. here's a quote: "John Edwards has a bold plan to transform America's health care system and provide universal health care for every man, woman and child in America." here's another from Obama's site: "Making sure every American has access to high quality health care is one of the most important challenges of our time."

but universal, government run healthcare is not going to bring "high quality" health care. sure, the 40 million uninsured americans will have access to in/out patient healthcare, and not just the emergency room. but this large influx of "consumers," per se, will put a heavy strain on the medical workforce, resulting in longer waiting times and shorter doctor/patient interaction. and of course, by longer waiting times, i am not only referring to minutes and hours spent in the lobby waiting for your name to be called, but i'm also referring to the months and years one will have to wait for a surgical procedure or whatnot. in canada, with it's universal healthcare system already in place, it can take over 6 months for women to get a pap smear, which is frankly ridiculous.

while out-of-pocket expenses may go down, UHS will need heavy funding, which will come out of our taxes, aka taxpayer dollars. if it doesn't mean an increase in taxes, it will mean cutting government programs and funding for research or anything else the government will deem "more expendable."

those w/o medical insurance now are probably not too happy w/ the current system. however, here it becomes a moral issue: should those that can't afford medical care be allowed to piggyback off taxpayer's dollars? nevertheless, medical care can always be found: emergency rooms must treat patients regardless of insurance status, and there are plenty of privately and publicly owned clinics and hospitals that will do the same. one might argue that the quality of medical care from those clinics/hospitals will be worse than one attended by someone w/ medical insurance which brings up the moral dilemma, should those with money have better care than someone without? to this i answer, no, but it will inevitably happen in capitalism, returning back to the system we have now.

finally, let me re-mention that this will be run by a branch or agency of government. do we really want the government putting their hands though our medical records? do we really want the government controlling what they could make into a "privilege?" do we really want the government to instate its consistent motifs of inefficiency and red tape? fine, you can argue since everything is done by one organization, the process becomes simplified...streamlined, you might say. well, when was the last time you walked into the dmv? you could say i'm generalizing, but i find it hard to think up of better efficiency in the governmental sector, rather than private.

this whole thing just seems like another step towards big brother.

p.s. also, this whole thing about change is complete bs. ever since obama started chanting mantras such as "we are change" and "change we can believe in," "change" has been spreading like wildfire. it's used in fruity, superficial sayings such as "be the change." i admire and commend those who want to make a difference for the better. however, changing the current healthcare plan for the sake of "we are change" and "be the change" is ridiculous. instead of fanboying change, let's make sure we see what we are changing to.

my freshman year

how to import 3g2 or 3gp files into imovie

for some reason, apple imovie will not accept .3g2 files. i usually never use imovie--i am a staunch final cut pro user, but when i want to make movies using videos i have taken from my cell phone using fcp, it's like flying a learjet to get some groceries. but, it won't accept .3g2 files, the primary video output for many cell phones.

i did a search online and there are several programs, some by iskysoft and other various companies that charge about 20-50 dollars for their programs, which usually mess up the encoding anyway and leave bits of video un-rendered. basically, a complete rip to the unknowing customer.

so, i decided to do it myself. here's how to do it.

1. open automator. if you've ne

ver run automator, it comes on every apple machine. it basically creates workflows so that that you can make your own applications. in simple terms, it makes a program to do mostly whatever you tell it to do. it's done a great deal of

handy things for me that would have taken hours for me to do alone. so after doing this, play around with it.

2.automator works through a drag and drop system. drag these 2 commands into the right hand box--ask for finder items, which should be in the files and folders drawer, and export movies which should be in the movies drawer.

3. make sure you click the box allowing for multiple selection. this way, you don't have to open this run this workflow over and over for multiple videos you want to convert.

4. as for the format, make it export to Apple TV. And create a folder to export all of your converted videos to. this will convert your .3g2 videos to .3g2.m4v

5. then open up imovie. go to file then new event. a new event will be formed. drag your newly converted files here. there you go. win win win. fail for those other converters.

awareness

interesting things that everyone should read/be aware of

japanese medical crimes

h5n1

p53 protein

north korea condition video

shaving is good

Peter

i like shaving while talking to people

it feels right

10:57pmJillian

hahaha! i take it you are shaving now?

10:58pmPeter

everywhere

10:58pmJillian

oh! hahaha.

that's rather impressive multi tasking

10:59pmPeter

eh

i've done better

11:00pmJillian

well fine then.

semi impressive mulittasking

11:00pmPeter

there we go

old phone phylogeny

scientific classification

kingdom: mobilia

phylum: samsunga

class: flipa

order: grayscalaga

suborder: bluelightaga

family: heavynieus

genus: ugly

species: brick

circa 2001

does anyone remember these? these phones, which were around when i was 11 years old, had black and white screens. whenever you touched a button, the screen lit up in a, actually, rather aesthetically pleasing blue. menus are a mess and sending text messages with the clearly ancient t9 can be quite strenuous, but when you have graphic intensive games such as push push and fly ribbon and spider hunter pre-installed, who cares? did i mention its solid feel and soft silver sheen? 

this, my friend, is a true piece of work. one that i have been using because verizon wouldn't give me a new glyde. not that i wanted one anyways, but it sure beats this fossil. well, july 12th, or sometime, verizon's releasing the new blackberry tour.

 i'm a big boy now. 

the san diego county fair is horrible

Jillian

have you gone to the fair yet?

or are you above such things?

10:53pmPeter

i hate the fair

are you planning on going?

10:53pmJillian

i thought you might haha.

it doesn't seem like it would fit into your picky life.

i haven't gone to the fair in 4 years

10:54pmPeter

good

it sucks

it makes you sick

10:55pmJillian

hahah it sounds like you had a bad experience

10:55pmPeter

it was horrible

i felt like crap

and my glasses broke

and the year before that

my glasses got chipped

the fair is death

10:56pmJillian

awww that's so sad!!

hahaha i guess that gives you good reason to hate it

10:57pmPeter

it is a legit excuse

10:57pmJillian

it really is.

broken glasses are nothing to sniff at.

10:58pmPeter

or broken hearts

10:58pmJillian

oh.. you didn't get your heart broken at the fair too did you?!

10:58pmPeter

no

but that would have made the story that much better

why do people work out

today i went to the gym. what makes guys want to work out? let's examine the possible choices. 

1. chicks. chicks dig guns. and by guns i mean muscles. which you can only get, in this day and age, in a gym. so check off that one. 

2. bros. they want to impress the bros. kind of falls in line with the whole macho deal. 

3. the feel good factor. they genuinely like working out because it makes them feel good. which is so foreign to me, but okay. that's cool i guess. 

4. occupation. they need to be ripped because they work construction. or anything that involves heavy machinery. maybe ups worker. or maybe a strongman competitor .

5. vanity. they like to look in the mirror. if you don't work out, there's really not much to look at. i guess skeletal structure, but that gets boring after a while, doesn't it?

6. heroes. maybe there is someone you look up to that is ripped and so you must also become ripped because you must be just like your hero. 

7. sports. because you want to be faster or stronger than the opponent. why can't we be friends.

8. for shits and giggles. because, you know, just for the hell of it. one word: arnold. 

if you know me, you'll know that i definitely fall into the lower quadrant of the muscle/weight class. i'm of average height but on the thinner side, and for the last 5 years, people have been telling me to work out. i never really understood why. why would i sacrifice hours a week pushing and pulling on things that make loud clanking noises and make my body sore afterwards? it really didn't compute; i was perfectly happy skating around on my sector nine mini for "exercise."

i just didn't really get why guys were so hyped about working out. "let's work out, bro!" and "yeah man, i'm so stoked to hit the gym" were very foreign phrases to me. i mean, everyone around me said it. it just seemed so stupid to me. why waste time doing all that when i could be designing a shirt or scheming some plan? you know... useful things. 

well, come to it, this summer my friends and i convinced ourselves that we would help each other get ripped--well, them helping me out more then me them, but who's checking. so i'm signing up for a membership at the local y and i've been pretty dedicated in going. i try and do the benchpress a lot, which i feel like a complete idiot on because i can bench the bar and 10lbs. but with my friends there and all, it's not too bad. 

i can't say i like working out, but it does help me get bigger and i enjoy that. so i suppose indirectly i enjoy working out. but i don't ever think i can become like arnold. if you watch that video i linked to, which is kind of explicit, i may add, you will see the opposite of me, someone who loves working out so much that he,... well you'll see.  

here's the reason i work out. 

9. future occupation. if i ever do surgery, i'll have to pull on heavy retractors, to open up the chest to operate on, for hours. i'd rather not make a fool of myself and start shaking while pulling on them. that's really the only reason. 

okay fine. maybe also number 1. 

this is how it should be

this past spring, i somehow managed to win the national geographic film + psa contest for a psa i made focusing on conservation and togetherness. on top of winning a hefty sum of money, natgeo kindly flew me out to dc for 3 days to attend their explorers symposium. it's a private event so i was pretty stoked about the whole deal. ballard, the guy who found the titanic was there as well as countless other scientists, who gave talks about their research. it was all exciting and whatnot. 

the thing that i took back the most from this all was not the presentations but the transportation. sad, i know, but read on and i'll explain. to take me from the airport to the hotel and back as well as back to school from the airport, i had a chauffeur. they wore dark suits and took my bags and stashed them away into the trunks of their cars and then held the passenger seat door open for me. as i sat there in the spacious back seats, with the morning news and beverages stashed into the compartments, i felt the feeling, "this is how it should be." 

it's probably the same feeling that slave owners felt while watching their servants and slaves work the fields while reclining, sipping some cool tea. it could very well be the same feeling a company owner feels as we walks by the desks of his employees. i felt like i had substantial power. i felt like i was someone. it's this feeling, i suppose, that lead men to have big egos and little empathy, something i wish not to have. but sitting in the backseat of those cars, i felt accomplished...which is bullshit because i got it all for a 30 second psa, but you get the point. it feels nice to have someone open the door for you, drive you around, carry your bags for you. 

the guy who drove me around dc talked to me as he drove. he talked about the armenian genocide and how it wasn't covered in american schools. he talked about this company that he joined that he hoped would make him financially secure within a couple of years. he talked about north korea and the possibility of a third world war. he talked about a number of things, but one of the most significant things he told me was, you don't want this job. study. 

i'm sure we've all heard this countless times. this guy realized his own shortcoming and was warning me. i wish him all the best in his business venture. 

kumon sucks: a retrospective

once upon a time, i had a blog with a fair bit of traffic. one of my most popular posts was kumon sucks about how, exactly, kumon sucks. let me continue.

for those of you that don't know, kumon is this program imported from japan that has spread worldwide like a stage 6 pandemic. it must've come here before 10 years ago because when i was 7 or 8 it was spreading from city to city. basically, it's this academic program where one can study english, japanese, or math through these packets. these packets have multiple problems on them. the kumon center will give you a number of these packets and it's homework. the next week when you go back to kumon, you turn in the ones that you finished the prior week and get back the packets that you did before, all graded. you have to correct the mistakes you made and then turn them back in, as well as get a whole new week's worth of packets.

see nothing wrong with this? on paper, it's quite simple and straightforward. however, these corrections start to add up and it becomes grueling to correct all of the corrections. i mean, okay, fine, if you had done all the questions right in the first place, you wouldn't have to correct them. true. however, the problem lies in the amount of problems. there are so many problems in a packet. so many. 

this isn't an average school homework assignment. these kumon packets have so many problems on a homework packet that are almost exactly the same. referring to the mathematics that they have, they have pages full of the exact same math problem, only with different numbers and variables substituted. this makes the whole process completely boring, completely rote, and completely brutish. 

doing the same problem, essentially, over and over will help you learn; i completely agree. however is this really the way that students should learn? is rote memorization the premiere way to grasp a concept? or is it more learning how and why the problem works? doing those problems, one after another, the prior problem exactly like the one after it, was hell. of course there would multiple corrections to be made on the previous week's packets: the student gets so bored with doing the same problem that their mind wanders off. through the exact mechanism that kumon tries to succeed, it fails. 

kumon is incredibly devious in it's educational manipulation and business strategy. kumon is based on the premise that you cannot learn without being firmly planted in the basics. there is nothing wrong with that statement, however, kumon uses that belief to keep students in the kumon program longer, allowing it to milk more and more money out of the student. how? they put you at a level lower than you actually deserve. while i was in algebra 2 in freshman year of high school, kumon placed me at a pre-algebra level, saying that i wasn't solid in it. they're statement was further supported by my numerous mistakes on the pre-algebra homework i was assigned--homework that i didn't bother to try on because of the mind-numbing uselessness of it all. by keeping me at a lower level, they hoped that i would stay in the program longer. 

the kumon director has the only say as to what level you should be at. no matter what you say, they will say, "you aren't solid in the basics" and put you at a level that they deem sufficient. and you pay for the shit. great business strategy. parents eat this shit up, too. the reason that parents enroll their kids in kumon in the first place is because 1.) they want their kids to "excel" in school or 2.) they want their kids to catch up to the rest of their classmates. kumon seems to be the answer because all you do is sit around and do problems and more problems--time spent "studying" rather than on the computer. well parents, it's not time well spent. brute memorization is exactly that--for brutes. we're human beings. we don't have to be conditioned to learn how to do long division. we don't have to be conditioned to learn to solve for x. 

sure, you may argue that sometimes doing problems over and over is the way to learn things and that kumon is just following a traditional learning outline. that's fine. however, kumon needs to re-look at their content and see that all of their problems are essentially the exact same problem. this may get the kid a's in math. it sure as hell ain't gonna get the kid very far in conceptual mathematics or physics. again, also, kumon's business strategy is to keep the student in the program as long as they can. this needs to end. parents, and students, should have a say where they are placed. 

i went through kumon for quite a number of years. after going through almost all of the packets to complete a level, allowing me to progress to the next level of learning (i.e. algebra => geometry), the director made me retake the level again, saying that i missed questions, and because i missed a certain number of problems, i "didn't get it." this didn't happen once; it happened numerous times. again, i was bored out of my mind, being forced to do problems that were for students 3-4 grades below me. my parents didn't really care: they were all for the kumon strategy, as i'm sure most are. 

i ended up collecting the finished packets that i had finished correcting and using those as answer sheets for the redo packets that i got. i learned to re-number packets and just not do packets. i learned to manipulate the graders and manipulate the system. i learned to think that learning wasn't fun. i learned that the only point of learning is for a goal, for a grade, for an achievement. i learned that learning is always graded. i learned that learning is always compared to other's learning. i learned that learning is composed of rigid levels. 

 

eventually i reached the age of reason and quit. i feel bad for everyone who's still in. telling your parents is pretty useless. if you can't quit, i suggest befriending everyone else in the program and setting up a system where each person saves their finished corrected packets for each level and exchange it with other students in that level so that they can have the answers as well. maybe you could even make some cash off of selling the answers. 

educational manipulation answered by capitalism. capitalism. the answer to the world's problems. 

mochi ice cream balls

whoever thought up of mochi ice cream balls is a genius. have you had one? let me describe it to you.

there is this tasty doughy exterior that envelops an inner ball of icecream. the dough part is hard to describe--it's a chewy, stickyish, sweet dough not unlike cookie dough but more firm. there's a coating of flour on the outside so your fingers don't get sticky and gives it a nice texture. the ice cream inside is purely delectable. i'm not a huge ice cream person because my teeth get sensitive to cold quite easily but because of the dough wrapper part, i can preserve my teeth while eating ice cream. win win win.

it's summer now. summer of '09. this summer, for premeds, it is almost a necessity to get an internship or lab job of some sort. i do not have one. i have been busily emailing different scientists and researchers in my area which is really quite easy because san diego is bustling with research. really. come on. i have the grades. i have the sat score, if you still care about that. i have the extracurriculars. i have the awards. i don't understand. help me help you. gosh.

p.s. i realize i just sounded really arrogant. sorry. it happens.
p.s.s that previous p.s. made me sound even more of a douchebag.

i'll stop talking.

my new film

Keep Face: An Experimental Montage

I meant this film to be viewer interpreted, to a point. The title, the washing face montage, the internal monologue, and the ending quote are all supposed to create a final point. Hope it came across to you. 

Things that went wrong for filming. 

1.) Shot location was extremely restricted, couldn't use tripod, all handheld shots--ugh/horrible lighting

2.) Wrote internal monologue after primary photography

3.) Needed more extras

All in all, went well. 

a recap of the past 2 months

i don't think i'm a blogger. that is, i don't find a need to put my thoughts on the interwebs for everyone to peruse. i like the idea that my thoughts can affect a worldwide audience. i just don't really find the time or make the time. well anyhow, here is my recap of the past 2 months.

- i won the national geographic film/psa contest. i was subtly surprised, to say the least. as part of my winnings, i get to go to wash d.c. to go to the symposium they put on every year. pretty stoked about that.

-our school put on an event that raised 8000+ for the napa valley food bank. i designed some things for the fashion show. the whole thing was fun and worked out well.

-i realized a couple things about people. this isn't really deep or anything, but a lot of people use other people for their own benefit, while seeming like friends. there are few people that have an ulterior motive outside of their own benefit. i, am sad to say, fit that description time to time.

-been playing in our school's volleyball doubles intermurals. our team name is oscar and smuts. it's pretty legit. we're basically 1:1 in wins and losses so i guess we're balanced and whatnot. no worries, it's fun and something to look forward to after 4 days of constant classes from 10-5/7. my partner's really chill too.

-didn't do too fly on the last bio exam. these bio exams are basically my life. and i should be spending more time on my life. seriously, i need to hustle down and study. truly.

-became a school senator and biology club president. they're not really biggies because not many people ran for the spots. but im pretty stoked to do some stuff with it next year.

-one of my friends couldn't get banquet tickets to the banquet my school is putting on. so, we're making our own banquet. it should be super fun.

-my tmj is back. before my jaw wasn't cracking, but now sometimes, my jaw locks into a certain place and i need to rotate it around to get it placed again. it's weird.

-i'm in a play. it's a lot of rehersal times. note to self: don't do theatre unless you're taking less than 16 credits.

-i'm planning on shooting my next film in a week. i have yet to finish the plot or even start the script.

-have watched a crapload of films. mostly in class, but some not. some are ehh. some were amazing.

post quarter reflection

you know that feeling where there's something you wish you could change, but you can't? there's nothing you can do. there's nothing within legal parameters that you could do to change it. 

there's a lot of things i wish i could have changed. like the time i ditched to kinko's during school hours, without knowing my student government advisors were going to talk to me about how they i thought i wasn't suitable for the spot of school president, even though i was totally slated for it. or when i went to the philippines not knowing that a week after i went there, i would get the most sick i've ever gotten. or when i pretended to forge a teacher's signature for kicks only to have her think i actually tried to forge her signature...causing me to get a traumatic suspension...in 6th grade. 

i just finished finals. now there's nothing i can do to change the grades. grades really shouldn't be one of the most important things in life. but it is. human worth can't be quantified. but when someone tries to, it's done by grades. 

i'm still in the education mindset. i'm on spring break now. thoughts about cnidarians and euglenozoans need to leave. 

paranoia of being sick

why focus on the details when the opposite is obvious?

i am a hypochondriac.

with any unusual symptom that decides to reveal itself comes a differential diagnosis. from the differential comes analysis of each symptom and how it ties in with the other symptoms. with each symptom comes a diagnosis and from every diagnosis comes comparison to other diagnosis. because of my lack of modern day medical lab equipment and scans, i resort to using simple tests and diagnostic procedures. for anything that could be related to gastro-instestinal problems, i observe the color, texture, buoyancy, consistency, and size of my bowel movements. for anything that could be dermatological, i apply pressure, observe through clear glass, and mark with pen. cardiovascular--simple exercise procedures; neurological--holistic analysis; respiratory--breathing exercises. 

people warn us premeds about medical student syndrome, hypochondriasis that arises during medical school. too late. 

don't get me wrong. i have learned countless things about myself, my body, and can list off lists of symptoms from countless obscure and general diseases. i know how to treat glossopharyngeal neuralgia and how to diagnose an atypical heartbeat. i can give you the symptoms of shock and the dangers of bacterial meningitis. all rare diseases that i would, statistically, never have.

hypochondriasis is not a fun thing to have. for many, hypochondriasis causes despair and intense anxiety. being rational and logical with an innovative imagination may be seen as merits in some sectors, but for me, it can run amuck quite quickly. 

when something arises for me, i know that it is a product of stress or anxiety. but i can't help but wonder if it is somehow related to a supervirus or genetic disorder. i realize that i am being illogical when self-diagnosing myself, and yet i still do it. i try to validate the reason i am having the symptoms. i want to be absolutely sure that what i have is what i have i know it is: stress and anxiety. 

so far, there has  never been a time when my symptoms pointed to anything other than anxiety. here is a site that details all the symptoms anxiety may camouflage itself in. i highly recommend everyone to check it out. 

anxiety and stress can take the form of any symptom. the treatment? relaxation, exercise, healthy nutrition, and conversation. there you go. 

at the base of all the problems, i think, is the fear of death. we are all human. we all rise and in time, we all fall. that void, that unknown horizon always looms, taking our friends, our family, our comrades. it's that unknown that scares us: we fear what we don't know. and with every wrong thing that occurs, every problem, we realize that we are fallible. and that scares us. it scares us that we can go from everything to nothing so quickly. illnesses make us feel so vulnerable and that we are. 

but there's a wide highway between illness and fear of illness. our fears are completely irrational. they are always full of inadequate speculation and based on a paucity of actual medical knowledge. the human body doesn't act like an elevator: pushing one button doesn't mean that it'll go to one floor. we have to view the body holistically. and that observation should be delegated to the physician. again, our anxieties and stress are usually the culprits. 

with realization and confidence, we should all be fine.